Greed Is Good

This is not a movie review. Ha! It's another one of those moments like where Hawkeye would get all serious about the war. I vaguely remember being disturbed by that. Like seeing my father cry or something.

Anyway, here it is.

The thing saving my life right now is greed.

Nowadays I dedicate a lot more time than usual to making money, which isn't to say I am going to have much, cause work is still a waste of time that'll never get you anywhere, so it's not about money, this greed. It's about staying alive in spite of money. It's about listing out things I still want, out of life. It's about rediscovering pleasure, goals, the strength to make an effort and keep working towards *something*.

Cause a lot of the time I have been feeling like I didn't want anything at all besides more sleep. Overpowering sense of pointlessness and exhaustion. I think there's a medical term for this sort of thing but I'm going to keep telling myself to just buck up, as it were.

This whole depression thing has been incredibly destructive. As of today I had probably gone two weeks without writing a poem or working on my story (it's about vampires! but don't worry, it's still unmarketable) and that is probably the longest I have gone...ever? Because I used to write compulsively. Now, I nap, and behave like an insufferable martyr. I really am allergic, highly virulently allergic to work. And I like my jobs. I do. I like them. I am still in my own personal hell.

When did life become purely something to endure, and avoid as much as humanly possible?

I had to sit myself down and ask myself: are there still good things that could happen? Can I conceive of anything at all that would make me pleased? Can I at least write a christmas list?

I want a new computer.

I still want to have a working record player in the corner of my own living room. That's like my image of personal dignity.

I want more publishing credits.

I realized I also want to make pottery again someday. That means I'm going to need a pottery wheel, a kiln, and a room to put 'em in! And I'm going to have to teach myself how to use them which is something I was always afraid to do when I was an art student. But the thought gives me real joy now.

I want power over my income -- not to be stuck, not to be exploited as some sort of bottom-feeder who has nowhere else to go (i'm a little annoyed about continuing developments at the library), to figure out a way to have some sort of future, impossible as that may sound.

I want to believe that not only am I not doomed, but neither is humanity in general -- i.e. someday I want to not be too fatigued to be involved in politics again, to whatever minor extent I ever was. You know, cause there's more to life than just securing myself an apartment with a washer and dryer. I'm not even super-excited about moving out anymore, it's feeling like an extra-expensive form of loneliness. Maybe if I liked and trusted myself I would be back on board.

I want to stay connected to people, and be a part of the good things that are happening out there which I am currently skipping all of in order to stay home and watch movies. I want to be there, and I want to contribute.

I want to be in a relationship.

I want to have fun and be fun.


...As television goes, MSNBC is fun to watch. It's somewhat about doing.


Anyway. At the moment I'm too tired after one 4-hr shift to go get my bike tires filled up before I drag my fat ass home on that bike. Talk about self-defeating. So I probably have to get in there and find where the energy sink is before I can do all this stuff.

Sorry there's not really any takeaway here for people who aren't me... I'm working on it.


The writing advice I most believe in right now is: JUST FINISH. It really is the most important thing. Seriously. Don't worry if it's good or not. For one thing, you will never know...